The following is a letter that Dan and I came across many years ago. It was shortly after Dan's Mom had passed away and we were going through things to keep and things not to keep.
I hope no one is offended by the "letter" that follows. It is hard telling how old it might be. I copied it word for word and didn't change the spelling on words that aren't "quite right"!
Just received your super heated letter in regards to the bill I owe.
You stated that the bill should have been paid a long time ago and that you could not understand why it had not been paid. I will enlighten you.
In 1907 I bought a new saw mill on credit. In 1909 I bought an ox team, a timber cart, two ponies, a shotgun, a wine tester, a colt revolver and two razer back hogs all on that damn installment plan.
In 1920 my mill burned down and my ox team died as well as one of my ponies. The other pony I lent to a SOB who starved it to death. That is when I joined the church.
In 1912 my boy got the mumps and they went down on him. The Dr had to casterate him to save his life. That summer I went fishing and the boat turned over and I lost the biggest cat fish I ever saw and two of my boys drowned…neither of which was the one that was casterated.
In 1913 my father and brother both were lynched for stealing horses, a railroader got my daughter pregnant and I had to pay $80.00 to keep the little bastard out of the family.
In 1915, my wife ran off with a heavy hung boy leaving me with a pair of twins for a soveneir, then I married the hired girl to cut down on expenses, but I had a hard time getting her to go off. I went to the dr and he advised me to create some excitement about the time I thought she was ready. That night I took a shotgun to bed with me and when I thought she was ready, I stuck the gun out of the window and pulled the trigger. My wife shit the bed, I ruptured myself and killed the best damn cow I ever had.
In 1931 I burned out again and took to drinking. I did not stop until all I had was a Waterbury watch and kidney trouble. Then for a while all I did was wind my watch and pee.
The next year I thought I would start all over again, so I bought a manure spreader, a binder and thrashing machine all on that lousy ass plan again. Then along came a cyclone and blew that whole damn mess into the next county. My wife caught the claps from a traveling salesman, my boy wiped his butt with a corn cob which had rat poison on it and he died. Some bastard nutted my bull. Now at the present time if it cost a nickel to shit I would have to puke yet you say you can cause me trouble. Trying to get money from me is like trying to poke melted butter up a wildcat’s ass, but gentlemen, if you think you can cause me trouble, then you are welcome to try!
For the Record Book
1 week ago